4 April 2021

RISUS PASCHALIS (2); Fr H's Spring Competition

Either (1) Compose Gilbertian verses in the style and metre of the Three little Maids, and featuring Hwirl, Toe-Bin, and Soup-Itch.

Or (2) Compose a speech for PF to utter in the persona of Oscar Wilde's Lady Bracknell.


Autenrieth said...

Tres sumus eminentiae,
Vultu, biretto roseae,
Pontificis deliciae:
Tres eminentiae!

(Hwirl) Laeti sodales, gaudete!
(Toe-Bin) Quid celebramus hodie?
(Soup-Itch) Io, nihil nisi anglice! [Cacchinant]
(Omnes) Tres eminentiae!

Tres cardinales transpontini,
Noti sunt utrique Marini,
Servi jussorum Argentini:
Tres eminentiae!

(Hwirl) Quondam episcopus eram -
(Toe-Bin) - Vae! sed episcopus non jam -
(Soup-Itch) - Etsi remuneratus tam!
(Omnes) Tres eminentiae!

Compton Pauncefoot said...

"Truth is rarely pure and never simple. Modern Catholic teaching would be very tedious if it were either, and my own writings a complete impossibility.

I do not approve of anything that tampers with doctrinal uncertainty; it is a delicate exotic fruit; touch it and the bloom is gone.

What a terrible thing it would be for a man to find out suddenly that all his life he has been speaking nothing but the truth.

To express one orthodox belief I regard as a misfortune; to express two looks like carelessness.

I really don't see what is so romantic about orthodoxy. It may be accepted - it usually is, I believe - and then the excitement is ended. The very essence of the Catholic faith is uncertainty.

Indeed, no pope should ever be quite accurate about his beliefs. It looks so calculating.

In matters of grave importance style, not sincerity, is the vital thing.

Never speak disrespectfully of the Vatican. Only people who can’t get into it do that.

My duty as a pope has never interfered with my pleasures to the slightest degree.

I don’t like Latin. It isn’t at all a becoming language. I know perfectly well that I look quite plain after my Latin lesson.

Some say I am a monster without being a myth, which is rather unfair.

Others say I am quite perfect, but I hope I am not that. It would leave no room for
developments, and I intend to develop in many directions.

I love hearing my orthodox cardinals abused. It is the only thing that makes me put up with them at all. They are simply a tedious pack of people who haven't got the remotest knowledge of how to live nor the smallest instinct about when to die. The simplicity of their characters makes them exquisitely incomprehensible to me.

As for orthodoxy: from the artistic point of view, it is usually a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it every six months.

It is always painful to part from beliefs which one has held only for a brief space of time. The absence of traditional beliefs one can endure with equanimity, But even a momentary separation from a belief to which one has just been introduced is almost unbearable.

The election of a Pope should come to the faithful as a surprise, pleasant or unpleasant as the case may be. To speak frankly, I am actually somewhat doubtful about long papacies. They give people the opportunity of finding out one's character, which I think is never advisable.

I never travel without a copy of Amoris Laetitia. One should always have something sensational to read on the train."

Atticus said...

[If you will forgive the intrusion of a Gilbertian trifle from a couple of years ago...]

We are the very model of a Modernist episcopate;
Our woke and with-it notions with the modern world are quite a hit.
Progressive, bold and secular though our opinions tend to be,
We’d have our flocks believe that of a spiritual bent are we.
We’re very well acquainted too with matters from the Synod Hall -
We scarcely any more believe that man can really sin at all.
We’ve really sussed what mercy is, we know how to “accompany”,
We don’t believe that Satan’s real - unless that devil Trump be he.

Our knowledge of Church teaching, which is rough and elementary,
Dates only from around about the middle of last century;
But still we get to patronise the layfolk and presbyterate
And show we are the model of a Modernist episcopate.

We venerate St Greta as Our Lady of the Amazon;
We bow to Mother Earth and every altar Pachamama’s on.
But please do not imply that what we practise is idolatry
Or you may end up locked away like Card’nal Pell in solit’ry.
When we have pushed the progress that’s been made in modern nunneries
In clamping down on silent prayer and ceremonial flummeries
And set the sisters useful work instead, like keeping house for us,
You’ll say there’s never been a bunch of bishops more industrious.

Don’t quote to us encyclicals predating this pontificate,
Es-pecia-lly not those with which more recent ones aren’t wont to fit.
And if our ideology makes rigid Catholics fume and spit,
We’re all the more delighted with our Modernist episcopate.

We know our papal history, from John XXIII at least,
And judge which ones were saintly and which bore the number of the beast.
We cite in anguished tones the evil acts of bad Pope Benedict
But raised a cheer and danced an Argentinian tango when he quit.
Of course we have our critics, and there’s plenty we’re more wary at:
The TLM, Church Militant, LifeSite, the Ordinariate;
And as for Burke and ViganĂ², they’re definitely on our list
For punishment much sharper than two papal slaps upon the wrist.

We’d really rather not discuss things too es-chato-logical;
Choose good times over end times: give the old Masonic Lodge a call.
You think our conduct’s apt to risk our future prospects? Not a bit –
We’re just the sort of chaps the pontiff wants in his episcopate!

Shaun Davies said...

Thank you for giving me an Easter Laugh (loud and long).