23 May 2020

Urbi et Orbi (2): A Greta-Compliant Pontificate

Placing people within social structures can be so very difficult. Catullus belonged to the 'establishment' classes; somebody had got him onto the cohors of a proconsular governor. But, at least in his poetic persona, he scarcely has a quadrans to bless himself  with. Yet in the world that he describes, it is apparently plausible that he should have a lectica in which he could be carried through the streets of Rome, carried loftily above the polloi ... and also apparently plausible that even a pushy little demi-mondaine might be able at least to borrow somebody else's litter (and eight Men) in which to be carried to one of the fashionable Hellenised-Egyptian cult centres (if that was really where she planned to go). Litters, apparently, were not confined to consulares and ... ...

Di immortales! It has suddenly occurred to me! I bet you hadn't thought of this! S Peter, when he was in Rome and starting to become a little bit frail, must pretty certainly have had pressed upon him for his use, by an enthusiastic member of the congregation (probably a Devout Lady), a litter, a lectica. I'd call that a moral total certainty ...

When I am elected Pope, I shall restore this beautiful Apostolic and Evangelical custom. I shall be carried around upon a litter, which I shall call the Sedia Petrina. It will be so much more Ecological and Green than those beastly fuel-guzzling Popemobiles used by my resource-prodigal predecessor Francis. Entirely Fossil-Fuel-Free and Greta-Compliant, it will be lifted and carried by eight stocky females from the Amazon Basin who will be called the donne della periferia or, for short, the diaconisse. To support and encourage the humble and oppressed ostrich farmers of Sub-Saharan Africa and Rutlandshire, I shall be fanned, as I progress, with ostrich feather flabella. As for actuosa participatio, the people will fall prostrate and cross themselves while I, scattering blessings, pass through their midst; and, as an Ecumenical Gesture towards Orthodoxy, they will shout Eis polla ete Despota! In deference to Health-and-Safety (mine), babies will not be thrust up for me to kiss but handed straight over to my Extraordinary Apostolic Basiator Archbishop 'Tongue' Fernandez. Given our current Covidic biodiversity, his Ministry may be sweet but short.

Security will be in the hands of gigantic Australians who, like sniffer dogs, will have been trained to recognise and, without any hesitation or second thought, to exterminate Jihadists, Sede-vacantists, and Liturgists. They will be known popularly as the Matildas. The very sound of their simple but uplifting vernacular war-song will be enough to strike terror into the hearts of the German Episcopal Conference and Cardinal Baldissieri. When I return to the Apostolic Palace (the Domus Sanctae Marthae will by that time have been handed over for holiday use to the Indigenous Married Priests, all of them Viri Probatissimi, of the Ordinariates) I shall then ...

Oh dear ... am I getting carried away?


8 comments:

Arthur H. said...

Dear Father,

I laughed so hard I fell off my sella... I'm praying for your ascension one day, Deo volente, to the Sede. God bless you.

WGS said...

I like that "getting carried away".
eventually, yes, by the grace of God!

Michael Leahy said...

Carried away, not at all. However, you should know that you have stiff competition, as Father Z has just today also proposed himself as a very viable candidate. Indeed, he's quite confident, as Americans usually are.

Amateur Brain Surgeon said...

Dear Father. When you get elected Pope, ABS want to be the installed as the head Beadle of Saint Peter.s. ABS will wear a fancy uniform and brandish a long pole with a bulbous head and he will use it to poke in the ribs anyone who dozes off at the real mass.

In the event that some visiting Prelate offers the Lil Licit Litugy in St Peter's and changes even one word, ABS will whack him in the head as he leaves the sanctuary and say, "S'matter with you? You have no authority to change anything, even in the Lil' Licit Liturgy."

Meet The Beadles can be the subject of your first Synod.

John said...

This was great! Thank you! LOLOL.

Joshua said...

Dear Fr Hunwicke, I do hope you have discussed all this with Pam...

Axios!

Ad multos annos!

Plutocrat said...

I might recommend Maori or Samoans for the sedia gestatoria: they are big fellas.
Where could I learn Cornish?
Nathan

Etienne said...

Oh, you make me laugh, Your Gradioseness....or something like that.